too self aware to do literally anything ever
I love checking my own profiles. I love reading my own posts. I love reading my own messages, but if I see something I don't like or don't remember saying and cringes me out, I delete it without hesitation. Now, when I'm about to send a post, I think, "will people like this?" "will my friends like this?" "do you like this?" That last bit referring to myself; and if the answer is no to any of those questions, I shove the post into my drafts and forget about it.
Same goes for blogging. I have so many finished drafts which I unpublished out of embarrassment and shame, but I have no reason to be embarrassed, so, why? I just feel like it's not like me. I want to, but I can't because something in my mind is telling me it's bad, or I shouldn't do this and stick to talking to myself in private.
It really, really, really sucks. I want to make terribly written updates on my life; I want to ramble about my own thoughts, but if I do that it feels like I'm just pretending to be deep and mysterious, which, is one of the reasons I started blogging I can't lie about that, but I'm not even trying anymore. So I ask myself, why am I so ashamed to publish posts? Even on other platforms, all of my accounts are private or don't have anything on them, because I'm embarrassed to show off what I like and think.
In real life, the same thing happens. Reading in public is humiliating, especially if it's a physical copy of a book; expressing my feelings is embarrassing, and even having them is worthy of shame. Talking about my interests and showing them off is humiliating, letting my hobbies be known is humiliating; hell, even existing and being in the presence of other people is humiliating. I don't know why I feel like this, but it's so exhausting to feel this way. There is nothing I want more than to have peace of mind, than to do what I want without my own consciousness telling me I shouldn't.